My First Day at KEMU(of sorts) Part-2
By Zara Naveed of First Year
An unwelcome intruder shook up the whole place. KEMU's parking lot witnessed a scene it had never chanced to see since those two-sided dustbins were installed there. She threatened to sue the van driver,the government,the eighth dimension and every parallel world in existence.The Intruder also checked all the water filters near Patiala block.While doing so, she was heard muttering, "MUST find! Must find the portal back to my world". She finally found the grinning skeleton in dissection hall and coerced it for a full ten minutes,shouting,"Okay,mista!Confession time! Where's the portal?". Mr. Bones refused to divulge the secret on the pretext that he had no tongue to speak with, and no brain to speak of. Somehow,The intruder was convinced that she WAS afterall in her proper dimension when she saw the teachers at KE,as the expressions on their faces were reminiscent of the same ‘how-dare-you-contradict-me-you-gormless-imbecile’ rebukes she had been receiving from the teachers in her world all her life. Authorities were afraid to go near the intruder,fearing she had claws. The area was cordoned off, giving the Physiology dept. the excuse to take another hour's extra lecture( "Since you can't get out of here, better stay in and learn about SCUBA DIVING."The excited students were disappointed to learn that SCUBA was nothing but another topic in the respiratory system).The authorities tried to bring in code-breakers, convinced that the intruder was using code-language to relay instructions to her hidden aides, all the while wailing, "I'm getting late for college! I'll be late! Take me back!". The code breakers could make neither head nor tail of her words, till the kid-selling-sweets-in-KE giggled and said,"Sir ji! is ko college jana hai!". The code-breakers realized that the intruder was speaking plain,colloquial English.To hide their embarrasment,they bought all of the kid's sweets and offered him a job on their elite council.The kid just giggled, "Sir ji! Ap bus ye taafian le len,me aur le aon ga!"
Okay, I admit: The paragraph above is plain exaggeration. But the rest of this anecdote is true. I was flabbergasted, stupefied. How had I managed to get myself transported to KEMU?I harangued the van driver till he relented and agreed to send for another van to take me to my college-the one I was destined for. As I waited for the "other" van to come, My frantic family members called me through my cell phone and made sure that "I hadn't been kidnapped"!
The "correct" Van finally skidded into the parking lot and I was escorted to college in the company of another van driver who insisted on taking me to F.C (Forman's Christian) College. Much though I assured him that I was neither a boy nor a Christian, he repeatedly insisted, "Baji ye ap ka college he hai!". And when I finally did arrive at my "rightful and lawful" college, I heaved a sigh of relief so profound ,it created a low-pressure area in the surroundings(Okay, okay, that's a poor analogy but I still can't get Bernoulli's Law out of my head).
After that unfortunate incident, my family members hired another college van for me. A van with no seats- the driver had had all the seats pulled out to make more room, and had put in "mooras" (you know, the seats made of cane used in houses).But more on that later.
Disclaimer: This "incident" actually happened to me. I have just laid the description a bit too thick. Which sane person, after all, names his dog Coco Joopo? I confess, the real names's Tata Indigo. Why that name, you ask? Go ask my neighbour. He's the one growing bananas on his front gate, not me!
An unwelcome intruder shook up the whole place. KEMU's parking lot witnessed a scene it had never chanced to see since those two-sided dustbins were installed there. She threatened to sue the van driver,the government,the eighth dimension and every parallel world in existence.The Intruder also checked all the water filters near Patiala block.While doing so, she was heard muttering, "MUST find! Must find the portal back to my world". She finally found the grinning skeleton in dissection hall and coerced it for a full ten minutes,shouting,"Okay,mista!Confession time! Where's the portal?". Mr. Bones refused to divulge the secret on the pretext that he had no tongue to speak with, and no brain to speak of. Somehow,The intruder was convinced that she WAS afterall in her proper dimension when she saw the teachers at KE,as the expressions on their faces were reminiscent of the same ‘how-dare-you-contradict-me-you-gormless-imbecile’ rebukes she had been receiving from the teachers in her world all her life. Authorities were afraid to go near the intruder,fearing she had claws. The area was cordoned off, giving the Physiology dept. the excuse to take another hour's extra lecture( "Since you can't get out of here, better stay in and learn about SCUBA DIVING."The excited students were disappointed to learn that SCUBA was nothing but another topic in the respiratory system).The authorities tried to bring in code-breakers, convinced that the intruder was using code-language to relay instructions to her hidden aides, all the while wailing, "I'm getting late for college! I'll be late! Take me back!". The code breakers could make neither head nor tail of her words, till the kid-selling-sweets-in-KE giggled and said,"Sir ji! is ko college jana hai!". The code-breakers realized that the intruder was speaking plain,colloquial English.To hide their embarrasment,they bought all of the kid's sweets and offered him a job on their elite council.The kid just giggled, "Sir ji! Ap bus ye taafian le len,me aur le aon ga!"
Okay, I admit: The paragraph above is plain exaggeration. But the rest of this anecdote is true. I was flabbergasted, stupefied. How had I managed to get myself transported to KEMU?I harangued the van driver till he relented and agreed to send for another van to take me to my college-the one I was destined for. As I waited for the "other" van to come, My frantic family members called me through my cell phone and made sure that "I hadn't been kidnapped"!
The "correct" Van finally skidded into the parking lot and I was escorted to college in the company of another van driver who insisted on taking me to F.C (Forman's Christian) College. Much though I assured him that I was neither a boy nor a Christian, he repeatedly insisted, "Baji ye ap ka college he hai!". And when I finally did arrive at my "rightful and lawful" college, I heaved a sigh of relief so profound ,it created a low-pressure area in the surroundings(Okay, okay, that's a poor analogy but I still can't get Bernoulli's Law out of my head).
After that unfortunate incident, my family members hired another college van for me. A van with no seats- the driver had had all the seats pulled out to make more room, and had put in "mooras" (you know, the seats made of cane used in houses).But more on that later.
Disclaimer: This "incident" actually happened to me. I have just laid the description a bit too thick. Which sane person, after all, names his dog Coco Joopo? I confess, the real names's Tata Indigo. Why that name, you ask? Go ask my neighbour. He's the one growing bananas on his front gate, not me!
2 comments
I so remember this day Chakkar... nano was so mad at me!! She wanted me to run to your college and make sure you were there! And oh yeah, I bumped our good old Mehran into the very 'obvious' sidewall of the gas station, much to the gas boys' amusement.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a lost soul! Good writing! take care...love, kh
Also forgot to mention, the last line about neighbor growing bananas is hilarious!! Ha ha... I love your sense of humor and miss it too!!
ReplyDelete