When you get out of difficult situations by proclaiming,
"I am a doctor!"

How many times have you done that?
You get into trouble, need to evade a probing question, want to hurry up a que, or just want someone to stop bothering you and shut up, you restore to your one and only, all-powerful, no-nonsense argument of all time----“ I am a doctor!” dear reader, if you haven't done that even once there is something seriously wrong with you. You need to revise your ideology of life, reconsider your decision of becoming a doctor and reevaluate your status as a medical student. You simply cannot be an MBBS student of KEMU if you do not take pleasure in being addressed “doctor sahib/sahiba” or abuse your status in the most ridiculous situations know to mankind.

O common! Don’t give me that disapproving look or start a lecture on sacredness of this profession and shove Hippocratic oath in my face. I am not asking you to compromise medical ethics, steal a kidney or practise euthanasia. I am just wondering if you have used your “ I am a doctor!” argument on situations which have absolutely nothing to do with medical practice. If you are still staring at me (or my written injunction in this case) with a I-have-no-idea-what-you-are-saying-but-i-am-still-offended look on your face let me explain with some examples.

I was driving on Mall, arguing the pros n cons of having Chaman ice-cream in the middle of January with a friend when I failed to notice a traffic police officer regulating traffic and telling me to halt. What are those stupid traffic signals for if I have to slow down on every crossroad, hunt down a police officer in the myriads of pedestrians and interpret his break-dance moves as my que to stop or start the car. So I broke the signal, then was stopped at the next signal thanks to the ever efficient wireless service and knew that I was going to be challaned for sure. What did I do? I conjured my most professionally apologetic tone, got out of my car and hung the white-coat on my left arm in a manner that bordered carelessness due to hurry but still made it grossly visible to the officer and said, “officer, what did I do wrong? I am afraid I was in a hurry to reach mayo hospital.” I didn’t add “I am a doctor!” because actions speak louder than words and I didn’t want to overdo the whole act. The officer gave me a sympathetic nod of understanding and let me go with a polite warning-just like that!

If you have tried going to Room no. 35 in OPD on Tuesdays at 1100 am you know what it is like to move through a sea of patients. You get pinched, poked and punched simultaneously while your foot is crushed under a wheelchair or a stretcher. You are likely to lose all your belongings and part of your superficial skin and toenails. In such circumstances nothing else works except for screaming, “Get out of my way, I am a doctor!” Admittedly the sea of patients does not part like the red sea with Musa’s staff but it certainly allows you enough space to reach your destination to preserve the remnants of your dignity.

You can also use this argument to bargain from shopkeepers but I must warn you it only works in Anarkali. I tried it in liberty market once and got the most incredulous stare, apparently they are not so sympathetic towards our fate. I have also used this argument to decide the dress code of parties and whether strawberries should be added in a banana milkshake or not. I have used it to get ahead in a line at a bank and also too get away from beggars on the roadside(they realize that our financial situation is worse than theirs and leave us alone.) I don’t have to tell you how successful I have been.

This idea is foolproof except in some situations. If you are using this argument to get away with things pleas remember the following precautions, otherwise I will note be held responsible for the consequences.

· Do not use it on a fellow med student. DUH!
· Do not use it if you suspect the presence of a full grown doctor in the room. The humiliation that follows is not worth the cause!
· Do not use it on spouse, sibling or child of a doctor. They know this technique way too well!
· Do not try to use it on your own sibling. They know “you” too well!
· Do not use it on the same person for the same reason more than once a week. The “cry wolf!” principle applies!
Other than that feel free to rule the world! Let nothing get in your way to success! Sky is the limit!