Rust is the color of demise
Its the smell of dejection
Its in the air when I fall down on the floor, leaning on a wall
There is sweat over my forehead
I am drenched all over

And the first thing I register in that moment is the smell of rust, sweat and urine.

The bathroom that I am hiding in has 4 stalls, all with dysfunctional flush systems and the taps that won't budge
But who cares about the plumbing when there is very little time to be alive

There is a strange, twisted sense of completion
In being destroyed so thoroughly
And when the realization hits, I break into a smile.

I quickly look around to see if the windows are closed, the door is locked and the mirrors aren't judging me
Because in my experience, they always do.
They always have.
They always will.

Mocking is not a challenge I want to tackle
Not in my final hours

The smell of urine is nauseating yet I take a deep breath
The air around me has closed so tight

I tell myself to calm down
One, two, three
One, two, three

Breathe in
Breathe out
And try not to vomit

There is no time for paper bags
There is no time for nostalgia

I take my phone out of the bag and toss it down the flush
There is a disgusting splash and I am soiled beyond repair

You would imagine that after 12hours at least one person would notice your absence and ask after you.

You would imagine wrongly.

Rust colored life
With rusty smiles
Angels with rusty wings
With no power to watch over me

Rust is what my breath smells like
And the taste of my love is rust
So when I take a step towards the end
Rust dissolves too easy

There is no tombstone where dejection is buried
There is not mark to point the way
The rust is in the forest
Rust is all I have

Until there is more
Until my final breath
Until the poison they have fed me works
Until hopelessness breaks my heart
I go back to the night

Night hides me well
Night has stars on the horizon
And there is a sparkle that I want to catch
Before the darkness take me home
Stardust is what I lust after
The only love I can spare is for the dust of my demise

Rust and Stardust
Death and Death
Its in the taste
The beauty of both

- Sania Mumtaz Tahir